Looking for the “perfect” kinky gift for your partner or your kinky BFF isn’t always the easiest thing to do. BDSM is so personal that it’s sometimes difficult to choose the “just right” present. Here are a few ideas to help you figure out what to give the kinkster in your life this holiday season.

Stick with Known Kinks

The easiest option is to pick something within their known kinks. Do they love wax play? Consider candles from their favorite shop. Are they riggers or rope bottoms? Pick up some rope or an accessory (like scissors) to add to their toy bag. Are they massive spankos who love all forms of impact play? Buy a wooden paddle, a cane, or a flogger. Think about who they are as a person, what you know about them, conversations you’ve had in the past, and choose something based on what you know about them.

Help Them Explore

This happens to us all the time. We talk about a kink we want to explore, even research it a little, and never actually buy or make anything to try it out. Do you have a kinkster in your life who talks about how much they want to learn a new kink? Your gift to them might be what helps them get started. Look for workshops you can pay for, books or online courses you can purchase, or gear they need.

Be careful with this one as you never want to push a partner or fellow kinkster into something they’re not ready for. When in doubt, don’t do this if you think it will be received as pressure to play before they’re ready. But if you know a single purchase is all that holds them back from exploring, the right gift may be just what they need.

Shop Their Favorite Store

Depending on how you connect with the kinkster in your life — mostly online, in-person, or a combination — they may have shared a shop they love with you. I can think of a few shops I’d love a kinky gift from, and the way I’ve let people in my life know is by sharing it online and telling them about shops I like. If you’ve recently had conversations with your partner or your bestie, this may be easy. If you want to surprise them, maybe a scroll back through their social media profile will help. And of course, when all else fails, just ask them.

Give a Gift Card

The best type of gift for the uncertain gift-giver has got to be a gift card. You might know exactly what kinks they’re into, what shops they love, and what they want to try next. But when you start shopping, the selection overwhelms you. The last thing you want to do is buy something they hate. While you can (and should) check return policies for physical gifts, the easiest and best alternative is a gift card. We already do it for our vanilla lives. Why shouldn’t we do it for our kink lives, too?

Ask Them

Communication is a must in every facet of our BDSM lives, so this last one should come as no surprise. When in doubt, talk to your partner or friend. Depending on how close you are, you may be direct and say, “I want to get you a gift, but I don’t want to fuck this up. Can you give me some ideas?” If you feel comfortable surprising them, you might want to go for a more subtle approach like, “What are some of your favorite BDSM shops?” or “I’m thinking of shopping at this shop. What do you like here?” Conversation starters like these may help them share what they’ve been looking at and wishing for, which will help you choose something they want, without completely giving away the surprise.

The holidays can be fraught with nerves about the gift-giving process. We might not be able to buy everything we want, and many of us fear buying the “wrong” gift. Most people will appreciate the gesture, no matter what, but to give someone a gift they’ll truly enjoy, try one of these tips. They’ll feel good when they open it, and you’ll be a little less stressed over the holidays. It’s a win-win.